I'm eating all of the evidence.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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