How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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