Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
