I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
