I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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