You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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