You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
