I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
