he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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