i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
