so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
