I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at about main and main street
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
