Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
