did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
