shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
