My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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