Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize