Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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