I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
