smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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