i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
