I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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