A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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