i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
