Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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