Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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