dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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