Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
