I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
