I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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