If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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