In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
