I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
