I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
