1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
birth control should be required to get into college
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
