I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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