i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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