There is no way he is gay with that hair.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
