Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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