whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
