my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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