take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
