i think my mom watched the whole time
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
