Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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