Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
