seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize