This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
