I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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