no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
