You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
