Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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