thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize