12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
