fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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