I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
