Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
