Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
