He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
