He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
