I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize