hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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