Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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